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Neo-Noah

by O.D. Hegre

Neo-Noah“The first toe fell off five weeks ago.” Frank Noah’s ‘new’ feet hung from the exam table. “I was having a coffee at Starbucks. I reached down to adjust my sandal and voila, the big toe just plopped onto the floor. Upset the woman next to me – she almost choked on her blueberry oat bar. While another customer performed a Heimlich on the poor woman, I pocketed the errant digit and made my retreat.”

“Wow!” The doctor peered over his glasses. “And you waited this long to see me?”

“You’re pretty booked, Sidney.”

“You could have gone to Emergency.”

“I’ve got health insurance. I don’t want to be a drag on the system. By two weeks there wasn’t a toe left – on either foot.” Frank waggled his lower appendages like a couple of five irons. “And now?” Frank leaned back, his hands propping him up on the table.

“I see what you mean. Your shoe size must have increased three fold.” The doctor turned to the computer and started typing.

“Four and half. Got a shoe guy to widen them – he called them triple H’s.”

“Well, there is a condition termed talipes equuinovarus – club foot to the lay public. But that is a congenital problem. Not something showing up at midlife. I am wondering if this isn’t some rare connective tissue disorder involving systemic sclerosis and related to the lesions around your ears and upper neck. We will need to run some tests.”

“I am a real mess, aren’t I, Doc? First the epilepsy and now all this. Like the Voice said: ‘A less than stellar gene pool.’”

“Voice? I thought your hallucinations were under control.” The doctor continued typing away.

“Yeah. But the meds don’t always stop the voices, you know.”

“Tell me about it. Mental stress could have something to do with this latest symptomatology.”

“It was three months ago – before any of this latest crap. I wasn’t dreaming, I am sure of that. Just sitting there one night, watching Letterman and I heard it: There is a vacant estate, up in the Scottsdale foothills. Owner Sanderson. Deceased. Find a real-estate agent and go there. Now!

“And?”

“I went there.”

“Do you always obey the voices?”

“Not always – but this Voice seemed important, Sidney.”

“So you went.”

“Yup.”

“And?”

“The property was priced at ten million so every agent in town was aware of the place. I did a walk through and then later that evening, I came back, jimmied the lock and ended up out in the back garden.”

“You broke in?” The doctor looked up from his computer.

“Yeah.” Frank smiled. “And there it was – the source of the Voice.”

“How so?” Dr. Sidney Rose was typing again.

“There was this bush … this odd-looking bramble. In the moonlight, it looked like it was on fire. When I got closer, I realized-”

“Realized what?”

“It really was on fire. No kidding. It was giving off a ton of heat, but it wasn’t being consumed. Just burning … and talking.”

Dr. Rose stopped typing. Rubus sanctus? Yahweh? No way, he thought. Meshugina. “You were having another seizure, weren’t you?”

“Nope. Don’t think so. It was the same Voice as before. God … pretty sure.”

“But why would Yahweh speak to-? You’re not even-” The doctor paused. “Well, you once said you didn’t believe in God.”

“That was then. This is now.” Frank rubbed what was left of his two feet together.

“So what did the- What did God say, Franklin?”

Things are changing, my son. Prepare yourself. You have been chosen.

“Chosen?.” Sidney Rose stroked his chin but before he could query-

“Why have I been chosen,” I asked, “and for what?”

“’Because you’re not that smart, my son’, God said. ‘Weak gene pool. That’s the Why. The What you’ll learn when you return … after it has started. Go now and ready yourself’.

After that … nothing. The fire went out and I came back home.”

“And you think by ‘after it has started’, the Voice – sorry – God meant these latest symptoms?”

“Only way it makes sense to me, Doc.”

“And are you going back, Franklin?”

“If you were in my shoes,” Frank leaned back, raising up what was left of his two feet, “wouldn’t you, Sidney?”

* * *

“Thanks for coming, Doc.” Frank Noah lay propped on the couch.

“It’s horrible out; seems like it’s been raining forty days and nights.” The doctor removed his raincoat and walked to the couch. “The meteorologists say it’s only going to- Oh my God! Frank, you-”

“I’m okay.”

“But your neck – those-”

“Gills, Doc.” Frank let his fingers ruffle the pinkish slits aside his neck.

Gevalt!” Sidney Rose fell into the chair beside Frank. “You have fins and … a tail. Oi, Vai! Franklin. You’ve turned into a fish!”

“Yep.” Frank flapped his tail against the coffee table. “The whole enchilada. It’s just the smell. Ain’t quite used to that yet.”

The doctor nodded, covering his nose with his handkerchief. “Two months ago – your annual – you were … well, nothing like this. What in God’s name?”

“As a good friend, Sidney, I wanted to give you a heads-up.”

“How so, Frank?”

“I went back to Scottsdale – to the burning bush and the Voice.

“That Voice. Ah, yes.”

“The big day is coming. Ain’t goin’a to be any Rapture or Anti-Christ. Everything is simply going down the toilet.” Frank slapped his fins. “Just me and … maybe another out there, you know – a female.” Frank’s gills fluttered. “Probably not. Guess I’ll just be ‘sleeping with the fishes’- not figuratively like Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes – but, literally.” Frank paused as Daryl Hannah swam into his thoughts. “One thing’s sure: every creature walking terra firma is going the way of poop.”

“But why, Frank?”

“You need to ask, Sidney? The Voice said the whole evolutionary thing had just gone mĕshuggā with humans ruining everything. ‘Humans are a disaster.’ God’s exact words. ‘Got to start over. Sorry about the collateral damage’, the Voice said. ‘Everything’s got to go.’”

“Everything?”

“Everything.”

“And … you get to live?”

“She didn’t want to start from scratch. Said I’d a desirable gene pool – weak.” Frank smiled, stroking his sloping cranium. “I love the water … and the water is coming.”

“Water?”

“Big time.”

“What?” Sidney jumped up from his chair. “A flood? But Yahweh promised. He said-”

“You haven’t been paying attention, Doc. It ain’t a He.”

“But it was a promise-”

“And what’s that they say – ‘the female prerogative to change her mind’?”

“It was a Covenant.”

“Now listen Doc, gather your family and enjoy what time you’ve left. I just ask one thing.”

“… a Covenant,” Sidney said collapsing into the chair.

“Doc?”

“Sorry … Franklin. What do you need?”

“I ain’t sure when the deluge’s goin’a hit so, if you wouldn’t mind filling the tub and dumping me in before you leave.”

“But you’ll-”

Frank smiled, flapped his fins and leaned forward. ”Smell me, Doc.”
Sidney lifted the hanky.

“This might take some time, and you know I could use a bath.”

With wrinkled nose, the doctor nodded.

“And while you’re at it, remember to throw in some Epson Salt, will yah, Sidney? These scales itch like the dickens.”

After a couple of decades in academia, trying to understand how the world worked and relating what others thought was the case to young inquiring minds, Orion Hegre walked away from the lectern, closed the doors to his research laboratory and retired. Orie now sits at his keyboard, worrying less about how things really are and more how they could be. His speculative fiction (under the byline O. D. Hegre) has appeared in various on line e-zines, podcasts and print anthologies.

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