Tag Archives: garden gnomes

Restaurant Gnomes

My wife and I tried a new restaurant over the weekend and bumped into some garden gnomes in the kitchen. Enjoy this little treat from Fenrir and his friends. It’s a little blurry, but you can see they’re still gnomes.

garden gnomes in restaurant

Submit a gnome bomb.

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Gnome Bomb: Meet The Family

the garden gnome family

Fenrir and his family were very hospitable. Not once did they ask me to take off my shoes or wipe my nose.

Yes, I did it. I fully admit. I stopped at a farmer’s house to pick up some red beets and yellow plums, otherwise known as shiros. They were beautiful. And then I spotted the family.

They were cute, all huddled together in their little plot of land under a tree up in the Pigeon Hills. I got so excited I dropped to my belly and said “Cheese!” My wife took the photo. I’m not sure what drove her to it. Was it pride? Embarrassment? A plot to some day hold it over my head?

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Gnome Bomb: Interloper

Submitted by AmyBeth Inverness

gnome bomb vignette

Can you identify this mysterious interloper taking time to check in on the garden gnomes?

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March Flim-Flam Game Winner

flim-flam game winner march 2014The garden gnomes are giddy and all beside themselves. In March, something magical happened. We started receiving more flashes in the pan to add to the Flim-Flam Bush weekly, and the quality of submissions went up too. That filled us so full of glee that we threw a party.

We were, for the first time since starting the games, able to publish a new story every Wednesday throughout the month. Not only that, but we’re booked up through April, as well. And we’ve started publishing stories for May.

All of this great participation is encouraging to us gnomes. We’re hopeful that someday we’ll be able to publish a new flash fiction story every day. Keep ’em coming!

Announcing The March 2014
Flim-Flam Game Winner

This month was spectacular. It was a very close race. Lydia Bengston came in with a late entry titled “The Shriveltongue Demon,” which managed to gain a lot of social media attention fast.

The week prior, Toni Stauffer, met with social notoriety of her own and even enticed one reader to leave a comment on her very creepy story “For Sale By Owner.”

This event left the garden gnomes regretting a missed opportunity. We decided to award points for comments. So every comment left on a story from here going forward will earn the author of the story additional points on the Flim-Flam Score Card. If you like a story, jump in with some praise!

While the garden gnomes were very happy with all of the stories submitted in March, these two – “The Shriveltongue Demon” and “For Sale By Owner” went neck and neck right to the finish line. In the end, it was “The Shriveltongue Demon” by a nose hair. Congratulations Lydia!

Interestingly, Lydia’s story was more popular on Facebook while “For Sale By Owner” was more popular on Google+. We’re not sure what that means, but we think both authors deserve some applause. You get a standing ovation from the gnomes.

The Final Week For
Sulfurings Submissions

When the gnomes started this publication we had in mind a new publishing model, one built for the third millennium. The idea was to give writers a graduated means of achieving publishing success. The first degree of that scale is the Flim-Flam Bush.

Our hope was, and still is, that authors published in the bush would go on to submit to our anthologies and be published there. Some have. Others started with our Garden of Eden anthology and then submitted to the bush. We’re okay with that too.

The next level of publishing opportunity will be our standalone novellas, the first of these opportunities being the Mythicals imprint (with more to come). And while we wait for that first submission to roll in, we’ve still got one week left for the Sulfurings anthology to fill up. Our biggest need is for short stories ranging from 1,501 to 10,000 words.

If apocalyptic or post-apocalyptic lit is your thing, we hope you’ll consider sending the gnomes something for Sulfurings.

And finally, we’ve introduced a new opportunity for non-fiction writers. Gaslight will focus on commentary on news of the weird. The gnomes can hardly wait to see what you come up with.

Garden Gnome Publications constantly strives to fill a niche in the speculative fiction and non-fiction markets, reaching ever new heights of weirdness for the glory of the gnomes. If you’re not too stoned, we’d welcome you to step foot in our garden and stay awhile.

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Look, Spec-Fic Author AmyBeth Inverness Was Photo Bombed By A Garden Gnome

A garden gnome sighting can happen anywhere unexpectedly, as future famed literary artist AmyBeth Inverness recently discovered.

garden gnome photo bomb

Have you been photo bombed by a garden gnome? Send us the photo and a 250-300 word summary of how that little critter weaseled its way into your big moment. Send details to submissions @ gardengnomepubs.com.

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Imprints: Take Our Poll

As Garden Gnome Publications prepares to unleash its inaugural anthology in the Biblical Legends Anthology Series, aptly titled Garden of Eden, we invite you to take the following poll and let us know which of these imprint ideas you think has the greatest potential. Which ones do you think would offer the most entertainment and/or educational value?

Which imprints would you like to see published by Garden Gnome Publications?

View Results

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Who Are You Calling A Hobbit?

Fans of the Lord of the Rings will understand. Frodo and Samwise Gamgee are famously embroiled in the greatest undisclosed gay love affair in cinema history. It’s so undisclosed, it reportedly has never happened. Watching the movie, however, I wouldn’t put any money on it.

So, what’s a homophobic garden gnome to do when the uninvited house guests begin taunting him and calling him a hobbit?

Deny it, of course.

who are you calling a hobbit?

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Meme: Nice Pecker, Whiz Kid

Ever pee on a garden gnome? I imagine that if you did, it would say something like, “Nice pecker, whiz kid.”

Nice pecker, whiz kid

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Things That Need To Be Said

By Carl J. Gonzales

picket fenceAs the sun crept upward from the horizon, a man reeking of vomit, sweat and the faint funk of body spray fumbled with the metal clasp of a garden gate. His hands jiggled and pushed, seemingly unable to interpret the commands his muddled brain tried to deliver. In a moment of inspiration, the man hoisted a leg up onto the gate’s top and tried to pull himself over, but the white wooden pickets caught him in mid-thigh. The pain sobered him enough that he realized he needed to withdraw the leg, and he did, causing himself to stumble and land heavily on the ground.

The man lay on the cement breathing heavily. He wiped blood and the still fresh remainder of regurgitated french fries on a sleeve and decided to just snooze right there. He closed his eyes but opened them when the gate creaked open.

The little garden gnome that normally sat on an upturned pot in the middle of the patch of soil and dandelions beside the house was standing there looking at him.

“We need to talk,” it said.

The man blinked in surprise. Thoughts tried to form about this turn of events, but the alcohol beat them down like a match in a rainstorm. He shrugged and slurred, “‘Sup, gnome?”

The gnome grabbed the man by the collar, grimaced at his breath and said, “What is up is that you are too old to be using slang like that. What is up is that it’s time to stop pretending you’re twenty-five. It’s lame and pathetic. It needs to stop immediately.”

The man was silent as the gnome’s words fought through the beer and Jagermeister fog. When it processed and he understood what the little figure was saying, he said, “Whoa! Check yourself, beeyotch!”

The gnome slapped the man hard across the mouth.

“That’s what I’m talking about. You’re forty-five. Stop trying to sound street.”

The gnome turned, walked over to where the man was lying on the cement, reared back a booted foot, and kicked him in the crotch. The man grunted and curled into a fetal ball.

“You play softball in a rec league. Stop yelling at your teammates like they’re losing a World Series game.”

Then it positioned itself behind the man’s back, grabbed hold of the waistband to his shorts and pulled them into a painful wedgie.

“The college girls across the street don’t want to hear your opinion when they’re talking about the Real Housewives. Stop trying to flirt with them. It’s creepy.”

The gnome grabbed a handful of the man’s hair, forcing his head up.

“I’m a gnome that sits in a garden all day watching the wind blow and my life is less pathetic than yours. Buying drinks for frat guys is not going to make up for getting blackballed way back when, so just stop with the Friday barhopping, okay? And, for godsakes, gold chains or a red convertible – one or the other. Both makes you look like an ass.”

Carl J. Gonzales is a writer from Portland, Oregon. For more of his flash fiction, visit his blog, Personal Hold Music.

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October’s Flim-Flam Game Underway

Tomorrow, the garden gnomes will publish their first flash fiction story as a part of this month’s Flim-Flim Game. The story is titled “Things That Need To Be Said.”

Oregon writer Carl J. Gonzales is the author of this story.

Just a reminder that the rules for this month’s game are a little different than previous contests. We’ve introduced a theme and look forward to seeing how you interpret it.

October stories can be about anything, but you’ll stand a better chance at winning the game if you write about a legendary, mythological, or non-human creature. That can be anything from the myths and legends of yore to modern day chimeras. Or you can make up your own creature. The gnomes don’t care.

Mr. Gonzales chose to write about our favorite topic – the suburban garden gnome.

If you like his story, be sure to Like it on Facebook. At the end of the month, the story with the most Facebook Likes by daily average will get an extra boost in Flim-Flam juice.

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