Tag Archives: U.S. military

How I’d Kill Godzilla (If I Was SecDef Chuck Hagel)

by Allen Taylor
Garden Gnome Pubs Editor

Defeating GodzillaThe Huffington Post reports that the U.S. Air Force doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in Hell of defeating Godzilla if the fictional monster were to actually wage an attack on one of its bases, presumably a Japanese base because that’s where our idiotic minds think the deity of monster movie antagonists acutally lives.


Pardon me, but if you’re going to take down a dinosaur-sized bad ass like Godzilla, you need real fire power. Not some rinky-dink pea shooters manned by E-4s. That’s why I’d recommend a joint forces counterattack. If I was Secretary of Defense Chuch Hagel, here’s how I’d kick Godzilla’s T-Rex-looking ass.

The U.S. Military’s Fight Plan Against The Infamous Terrorizing Godzilla

The first thing I’d do is lock all the small arms in a locker somewhere. They wouldn’t help. A .50 caliber machine gun. Really?

What you need are tanks, air power, and King Kong. But since the U.S. military doesn’t have King Kong, we’ll have to settle for Hillary. So I’d invite Hillary to stand in front of big Godzilla and speak her mind. That would confuse the long-tailed creature enough to allow the U.S. Army to bombard his loins with massive 120mm firepower.

Then, as the big kahuna is trying to protect his nuts from the U.S. armor branch and Hillary Rodham Clinton, our biggest secret weapon, we’ll come up from behind him with our entire air force and blow out his ears. It will drive him crazy to see Hillary moving her lips and not being able to hear her voice.

While the air force is doing its thang, the Marines and U.S. Special Forces dudes, with their hairy-legged female companions, can special maneuver their way up the motherfucker’s ass. He’ll think it’s Hillary employing her Jedi mind tricks and totally freak out.

To wrap up the melee, I’d send in the drones. With his hole plugged, his ears muffed, and his mind boggled, you could drive those drones right down his esophagus and detonate them with C-4 explosives in the big dude’s belly.

Bam! Fight over. The U.S. wins.

Then we’d just do what we do best. Create a parliamentary government of movie monsters with fake elections leading to a new dictatorship of a dastardly bad ass replacement Zilla. After all, we’ll need a new enemy in a few years.

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