Tag Archives: weird news

No More Threesomes In Automobiles, Please

by Allen Taylor
Garden Gnome Pubs Editor

It just doesn’t pay to have sex in automobiles, not in this century. Jezebel reports that a Chinese woman broke her legs when one of the members of a menage a trois accidentally bumped the parking break. I guess they found out, that’s not what that’s for!

Several things are wrong here:

  1. Backs seats don’t have parking breaks, which kind of makes me wonder … why were they in the front seat? Or was it just one person in the front seat, and if that is the case, was that person trying to climb into the back with the other two or were the other two trying to climb up front to be with him?
  2. Why did they park near trees? It’s much safer if you go out on a rural road somewhere so that you don’t have obstacles and foreign objects interfering with the party activities. They do have treeless areas in China, don’t they?
  3. Only one of them was naked. If the silver lining is your partner got to ride to the emergency room with you in his underwear, then there is no silver lining. You can’t have sex if the other parties are clothed. It makes me wonder if that parking break thing was accidental, after all.
  4. Only one injured party, and she broke her legs. What exactly was taking place here? Only one out of three was injured and she broke both of her legs? It’s been a long time since I’ve had sex, but I think I remember most of the details. Just who was doing what to whom here?

I really don’t think the authorities performed a very thorough forensics investigation into this matter. Perhaps they need to stage a mock replay so we can determine precisely where things went wrong.

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How I’d Kill Godzilla (If I Was SecDef Chuck Hagel)

by Allen Taylor
Garden Gnome Pubs Editor

Defeating GodzillaThe Huffington Post reports that the U.S. Air Force doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in Hell of defeating Godzilla if the fictional monster were to actually wage an attack on one of its bases, presumably a Japanese base because that’s where our idiotic minds think the deity of monster movie antagonists acutally lives.

Duh!

Pardon me, but if you’re going to take down a dinosaur-sized bad ass like Godzilla, you need real fire power. Not some rinky-dink pea shooters manned by E-4s. That’s why I’d recommend a joint forces counterattack. If I was Secretary of Defense Chuch Hagel, here’s how I’d kick Godzilla’s T-Rex-looking ass.

The U.S. Military’s Fight Plan Against The Infamous Terrorizing Godzilla

The first thing I’d do is lock all the small arms in a locker somewhere. They wouldn’t help. A .50 caliber machine gun. Really?

What you need are tanks, air power, and King Kong. But since the U.S. military doesn’t have King Kong, we’ll have to settle for Hillary. So I’d invite Hillary to stand in front of big Godzilla and speak her mind. That would confuse the long-tailed creature enough to allow the U.S. Army to bombard his loins with massive 120mm firepower.

Then, as the big kahuna is trying to protect his nuts from the U.S. armor branch and Hillary Rodham Clinton, our biggest secret weapon, we’ll come up from behind him with our entire air force and blow out his ears. It will drive him crazy to see Hillary moving her lips and not being able to hear her voice.

While the air force is doing its thang, the Marines and U.S. Special Forces dudes, with their hairy-legged female companions, can special maneuver their way up the motherfucker’s ass. He’ll think it’s Hillary employing her Jedi mind tricks and totally freak out.

To wrap up the melee, I’d send in the drones. With his hole plugged, his ears muffed, and his mind boggled, you could drive those drones right down his esophagus and detonate them with C-4 explosives in the big dude’s belly.

Bam! Fight over. The U.S. wins.

Then we’d just do what we do best. Create a parliamentary government of movie monsters with fake elections leading to a new dictatorship of a dastardly bad ass replacement Zilla. After all, we’ll need a new enemy in a few years.

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